03.29.07

Do I dare reach for a needle of thought in this haystack mind? I feel perhaps I have been shut off. I am asleep, and have been for the past 2 and a half weeks. Like the chicken whose just been beheaded, I can continue on my path, in my circles. My muscles no longer recieve instruction from my brain, yet they continue to move out of habit.

Approximately 168 hours of thinking, moving, and constant doing. Friday morning, the start of 120 more hours to go. Brisk, cold wind. Crunchy earth. The only heat for miles around is the melted plastic that used to be my car's brain. Curtains of white smoke rising toward the air let me know that my car, my best friend, has just expired.

And thats the morning that everything went wrong. Suddenly there's no more new computer, no more vacation, no more okay. I should know better than to look forward to, or to think i'm safe for once.

Now, I scramble around to find myself another junker to throw my money at. I'll never have enough money to buy a respectable vehicle so long as I keep messing around with these stupid piles of metal.

I guess its better than the bus.

To add insult to injury, I pretty much failed the small business class I took. Okay, there aren't really any "grades", but as far as my ability to run a business right now--well that's a big fat NO.

Is this even what I want to do anymore? What am I doing with my life, seriously? I tried to help myself and take steps toward a new direction, but now i'm just that much farther away from where I was. And that much more lost.

And now my chalkboard car is no more. And I start to think of jobs that I can get. Maybe at a bank? That probably means i'll have to take out my piercing. Everything that I've done to enjoy myself is being taken away.

Normality is suicide. I can't take it.