08.27.07

Trying so hard not to be a jealous bitch right now, but it seems like you've been hanging out with her a lot these days.

And although you might like to attribute our lack of time together to the fact that we both work a lot, you can't ignore the various times when I was free but you chose to be with them/her instead.

Ah fuck, not like I should expect you to only see her when I'm not around. That would be ridiculous. Albeit convenient, but ridiculous.

It's just so hard for me to swallow the imagery of you frolicking around with Dave and two girls like a double date around the boardwalk all night. Sitting at bars. Trendy background rock music. Laughing, talking. Touching arms ever so slightly.

It's not a trust issue. It's not.

Ah, fuck. This has been making me completely insane for 5 years and I hate it.

It's just that I know that girl 1 has got bad vibes and is flirty, and I know that girl 2 regrets never asking you out.

Can you blame me?

I'm fucking psychotic. I am. And it kills me because I never thought myself as a girly girl, with all that emotional baggage. I'm not. I'm very straight forward and I don't like to play head games. I don't like to be a princess.

But I just can't put this behind me.

I've made significant strides. I really do want to hang out with you and the girls as a group. Maybe we can even kind of be friends. Then I can be around when you frolick at the boardwalk. Then I can know what goes on.

But it seems that you are hesitant to have me around. I don't know if it's a possible confrontation you fear, or if it's because you fear the day that you won't get to be alone with her/them very much.

This is the shit I think of.

Does it make me a bad girlfriend? :(